Nagging Never Works

Nagging Never Works: How to Shift Communication with Your Child So That Things Get Done

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you ask your child to do something, they still don’t do it and the more you nag, the worse things seem to get? If this situation sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. 

So many parents reach out to us because no matter what they do, they can’t figure out how to help their child do what they need to do. They report that the relationship is only getting worse and nothing is changing with what their child is doing, and they want help figuring out what else to do.

Like we share in our Discovery Calls, we have good news!

There is a different way other than nagging  to help our kids become more independent and start doing what they need to do in life! 

As you probably know or have experienced, nagging only strains relationships and can be especially harmful for parent-teenager relationships.  It is also typically counterproductive to its goal; most people are only irritated by the nagging and it is an “anti-motivator”. Kids especially can sometimes dig in their heels and do less, the more we nag them to do. 

Have you ever stopped to evaluate how effective your nagging is in getting your child to do the things you want them to do? 

Anecdotal evidence seems to support the reality that most often, nagging is only effective at creating challenges in our relationships:

• resentment 

• frustration 

• irritation

• arguments

• lying

• exhaustion

• disappointment, etc.

And if or when the nagging doesn’t work, we typically turn in the emotion of the moment to imposing consequences that are not always well-thought out or meaningful which result in reactive, emotional responses from our kids which further strains the relationship and any chance at learning, communication, trust, and cooperation.

So what other option, besides nagging and consequences is there to get our kids to do what they need to do? 

The first shift starts with seeing our kids from a different perspective;

We have to see our kids as having a hard time, not giving us a hard time, and that our kids want to do well and be successful rather than fail repeatedly.

Step 2:  Learn to communicate with them in a compassionately curious way that approaches the unmet expectation as a problem to be solved together. This shift requires us to be problem solvers WITH our kids rather than problem solvers FOR our kids. When we only tell our kids what to do and how to do it, we take away opportunities for them to self-reflect and develop awareness of how they are interacting with their surroundings, become aware of time, or of how to develop a plan to solve a problem. They simply become executors of the plan (if we are lucky) as told without any need to think or have self-agency or control of the approach or timing; when we direct them in what to do, it takes away all agency and executive function skill development which is what is required in life to become independent.Step 3: 

To do this, we must ask open ended, non-why questions to understand what they know and how they might go about solving the problem. Here are some examples: 

• Hey John, I notice that every time I ask you to get dressed for school, you go to your room and play with your toys instead. What keeps you from getting dressed like you say you will? 

• Amelia, what did you hear me ask you to do when you finished breakfast? 

• Billy, what time will you start your homework and where do you plan to do it? 

Step 3: If they share their challenge with you or tell you “I don’t know”, you can follow up in a calm and curious voice, with questions such as,

• “I bet you like playing with your toys more than getting dressed. The thing is, that in order for you to get to school on time, we need you to be dressed before 7:45 so we can leave by 8:00. What can you or we do to help you get dressed by 7:45 without getting distracted by your toys?” 

• “What could we do to help you remember what to do after breakfast?”

• “I’m sure you would rather do other things besides your homework. What else do you want to do today? I’ve heard you say that you want to keep playing basketball in school. In order to do that you have to pass all of your classes. What might happen if you don’t do homework?” 

Step 4: Continue the discussion until a workable solution is found that not only meets your expectation as a parent but also creates buy-in from the child. This process builds a trusting, cooperative relationship in which we feel heard and our child feels valued for their ideas and begins to understand how their actions fit into the larger picture of the family and of their own big-picture goals, as well as how to work together as a team to develop possible solutions that can be adjusted next time if they don’t work as planned.  

Step 5: Before ending the conversation and moving forward with the plan, make sure to ask at least one of the following questions depending on whether you will be with them when they get started or not: 

• “Tell me what it is again that you will do?”

• “How will you remember to get started?” or “Do you need anything from me to help you remember?”

• “What happens if I discover that you haven’t done what you agreed to do?”

With each of these questions, you are helping your child think into the future and create a picture in their mind about what they will do while also helping them identify what will help them remember to get started and follow through and what your role will be (which could be that you check in with them in some way).

This process provides natural guardrails for scaffolding our kids until they can do it independently. It also clarifies expectations for how you will help them such that you are not perceived as a nag but rather as a help in the process of learning and becoming more independent. 

Before the conversation ends, and depending on how many times you have tried to help your child learn the skill, you can identify and share what the consequences will be if your child does not follow through. By sharing these ahead of time rather than in a reactive, emotional state, you are providing an opportunity for the child to know and understand in a moment when everyone is calm and can think clearly, what will happen if they don’t follow through. 

Note: Sometimes, it is beneficial before imposing consequences to reflect with them on what could be done differently in the future to help them be successful (either by them or possibly by you if more scaffolding is needed). 

Step 6: Reflect on what happened, whether the agreed upon expectation was met - SUCCESS!! or whether something different needs to be tried, is an important part of the learning process (and an important life skill). 

The key to all of this is remembering that many times if a child is not doing what we want despite nagging and multiple consequences, then something else is at play and the child needs more help than what they are getting. Most likely, they haven’t yet learned to think for themselves or they don’t have the skill needed to complete it on their own or there is something else getting in the way of their follow through. Many children won’t learn through nagging or through imposed consequences alone. The learning occurs and the relationship is strengthened through conversations, reflecting, and problem solving together.

Will it happen magically overnight? No. 

It will take time to for everyone to adjust to this new way of communicating, and it will take practice and figuring out what works for you and your child, but if you are willing to invest the time to see your child in this new way and to learn new ways of communicating with them,  you will notice a shift in your home from frustration, exhaustion, lying, and resentment, to cooperation, honesty, collaboration, and getting things done! 

Yours in the journey from nagging to collaboration,

Courtney and the 2tametheshamE, Inc. Team