Are Our Children a Reflection of Us and Our Parenting?

This question is one that I have wrestled with in my own parenting journey as a parent of a child who has not met society’s expectations for behaving “properly” or “respectfully” over the years or for following the “typical” or “expected” trajectory after high school of going to college, getting a job, or enlisting in the military and “figuring out” how to manage life’s many responsibilities, privileges, and  opportunities that come with being a “chronological” adult at age 18.

I know I am not alone in wrestling with this question. It is something that many parents grapple with, especially those of us with kids who do not meet “society's” expectations, or follow the trajectory or timeline that we envisioned or wanted for our kids, or who act in ways that many times don’t align with our values or “how we have raised them”.

So what is the answer to this question? Are our kids a reflection of us and our parenting? Are we responsible for their  their success, their rebellion, their tantrums, their defiance, and/or their “failure to launch”? It is a complex answer, but I think that the short answer is a definitive no, not entirely.

Certainly our parenting and the values we articulate and more importantly model  influence what our kids learn and how they show up and act in this world, but that parenting influence is not the only factor involved in our children’s behavior, timeline,  meeting of our or society’s expectations.  Our parenting is only one factor amongst many that impact what our children do and how they show up in this world.

We can neither take full responsibility for their actions and trajectory in this world when they are not meeting our expectations, becoming what we envisioned, or acting in alignment with our values, nor can we take full credit for their success and accomplishments in life.

Our children are guided by us but they are separate individuals, born with their own needs, free will, and numerous other factors that impact their choices, actions, decisions, and timelines for achieving different milestones.

If you have followed our work at 2tametheshamE, Inc. or listened to our SEE ME podcast on either Apple Podcasts or Spotify, you hopefully can predict what factors other than parenting  influence our child’s behavior and decisions:

• their brain: its wiring, chemistry, intelligence, and pace of maturing

• their fight flight freeze response

• their executive function skills

• their social skills

• peers

• other adults in their lives

• life experiences

• medication

• birth history

• nutrition

• sleep

• and other factors that are too numerous to mention

My hope, though, in bringing all of these factors to your attention is that it becomes easier to conclude like I have,  that our kids actions, path in life, ability to meet expectations and be the child that we envisioned is certainly influenced by us and our parenting, but they are truly not a direct reflection of us or our parenting; there are too many other factors at play for them to be a reflection of us only.

This conclusion has been one that has allowed me, and I hope it will help you, too,  to let go of of a number of thoughts and emotions:

• my own sense of failure as a parent of my neurodivergent child;

• my fear of being perceived as a bad parent by others

• my fear of my child being perceived as a failure, as disrespectful, of not having opportunities or taking advantage of opportunities available to him, and of being incapable of being seen for or using his many strengths and sharing them with the world

• my fear of being or being perceived as too permissive of a parent because I don’t impose consequences in the same way that other parents do in response to unmet expectations

Additionally,  I have also come to terms with the fact that at times, I will have moments of being human with how I feel about my child, myself, and our relationship:

• being frustrated with his process and timeline

• being sad about lost opportunities

• feeling helpless at times as his parent unable to change or fix or protect him from the process of learning to do hard things and knowing that consequences won’t change behaviors only lead to other equally challenging behaviors like lying, manipulating, or hiding things from me

• not liking his responses or actions or even him sometimes and yet still needing to show up as a loving, patient, caring, resilient mother who refuses to give up

• not liking the fact that I just lost my ability to stay calm and compassionately curious and my emotions got the better of me with him and I yelled (but I apologized and acknowledged to him that I am human and we repaired our relationship);

• being exhausted from all the mental and emotional advocacy, extra effort required to communicate with him in a way that is empowering and collaborative,

• being disappointed that another expectation wasn’t met and the progress I had hoped would occur, hasn’t yet;

• and so many other things

And, it is through this process of letting go and accepting that I am human (which is in fact part of the grief cycle), I have and hope that you can, too, been able to fully embrace that his decisions and path in life are not a reflection of me or my parenting in a bad way; in fact he is going to find his way in this world because I have shifted my perspective of not letting his path in life define me as a parent.  Instead I have allowed his path in life to help me become a better parent; one that he needs me to be rather than one that I thought I was going to be.

What does it look like when we can shift our perspective and meet our kids where they are? Well, I hope you might know the answers:

• lean into our relationship and find ways to connect that are not working on developing skills, or improving or working towards something

• reflect on what we need and what our kids needs are and meet those needs rather than letting our actions be driven by the needs of others (emotional connection, to be loved and accepted, to feel safe and secure, to feel valued, to feel accomplished, to have fun, to feel seen and heard and understood, to feel successful, etc.)

• see our kids through a skills-based perspective and help them learn the skills they don’t yet have to meet expectations

• meet them where they are in terms of readiness, and help them figure out what next looks like for them

• use compassionate curiosity and problem solving to work with your child rather than nag your child when expectations aren’t being met

• use the 8 Steps to Effective Communication with your child

• remember the neurodiversity iceberg; that behaviors are typically a sign of something underneath and will respond better to “bottom up strategies” that address the root of the behavior

• have fun, laugh, do things that your child enjoys; let them take the lead

The process for getting to this stage and being able to do all of these things is different for  everyone. The coaches at 2tametheshamE, Inc. are here to support you wherever you are on the journey. In the meantime, I hope that the answer I have provided to this question provides you with some relief and space to breathe, be human, relax, and accept that yes, you can have an influence on your child, your parenting DOES make a difference and your efforts, influence and modeling matters, but they are not the only factors involved.

Yours in the journey of parenting in a way that meets the needs of our unique kids and allows us to accept the many factors that influence our child’s path in this world,

Courtney and the 2TTS, Inc. Team